Dinosaur Hunting Caped Police, Canada Day and Being Bitter

Hello all! Sorry its been a whilse, Busy busy and all that.

First things first. If you are ever at a festival and the singer of the headlining band just so happens to be blind and accidently head butts the microphone…. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT! Laugh. That’s a red light on laughing at the blind bloke head butting his microphone. It is never going to be well received by the many strangers that surround you. EVER! No matter how funny you think it is, I urge to hold that laughter in and save it for later when you can spit your beer wherever you like.

Thank god I got that of my chest. Moving swiftly on.

So what have I been up to since last I put finger to key? Well we left Toronto and went to stay on a farm and rear orphaned lambs. Then we moved to another farm for a couple of weeks where we reared organic chicken and grew organic crops. Now do not misinterpret what I am saying. It was a lot of fun and I learned a lot about livestock and a lot about growing my own food which one day I want to put into practice.

That said, it hardly makes for the most interesting read you will have today, it is also only tenuously linked with travelling. So, as much fun as I had, I will not be documenting here my farmyard adventures. Keep an eye out for my spin off blog ‘Lambing with Mort, putting the romance back into animal husbandry’

One thing I have started to realise about myself is that I think I may be a crazed megalomaniac dictator trapped inside the body of a mild mannered, easily angered midlander. I find myself creating new laws that I will put into effect when I finally Pinky and the Brain this planet, seize control from Obama and clean this world up. I will no longer shy from these laws and I think I will include them in my blogs when the mood takes me.

What sort of laws is he talking about? I hear you scream as you grab your computer screens or throw your generic smart phone across the room and hit a four year old in the throat.

Well first of all calm down and second of all don’t worry about the four year old. In my world, children will be shipped off to their own plot of land in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and left to survive the particularly harsh life that the island has to offer. I may even put ferocious wild animals on the island as well, or even better, dinosaurs! YES! Lets get Jurassic Park all over this!  Just imagine the perfect marriage between ‘Hunger Games’ and ‘Lord of the Flies’ With a sprinkling of savage lizards. In my mind they will create their own society. Leaders will come to the forefront, weaklings will be eradicated by the system and will provide sustenance for the lizard kings. I shall insist that they have a dinosaur task force, charged with keeping the reptilian population down, therefore halting the potential scaly domination of the Childlands. To identify the task force from the regular population, they will be required to wear capes at all times. Naturally these caped killers will form my secret police when they graduate from the island.

How blissful our streets would be without the screaming of little brats. We could sit in pubs, in the smoking area and use offensive language without corrupting some little persons mind. Because, naturally, this is the perfect environment for a child to flourish. Watching mommy and daddy do shots and argue that the child in question is, in all reality the only reason they are still together. Forget the whacky warehouse two minutes up the road. Then they have the nerve to ask me to stop calling the referee a bad word because it is terribly unsuitable for their little angel. This particularly brings my blood to a boiling point.

At the age of 19, the children, if they have survived, will return to the main land as bank managers, toilet cleaners or members of my new world army. This plan works two fold, as not only will it get rid of the children, we will never have to see headlines of our childhood idles being inducted to ‘The Hall of Saville’. I mean to say, If Rolf gets arrested there is no help for the world. The man painted the Queen for god sake! (This is a rant I will refuse to get into at this point)

As you may have already observed, children aren’t really my forte. I mean what is the point in them? I group them in with wasps if I’m totally honest.

All Jeremy Kyle people will be eradicated. I won’t kill them, I will simply take away paternity testing equipment and let them descend into a pit somewhere. Probably Manchester. Build giant wall and leave them there to fade into memory. In years to come our children will never know who these vile bastards were.

“mommy, why is our street so clean, nice, quiet and free of vulgar fragrances?”

“Because of Lord Morton sweety, he saved us from foul, smelly vagrant like folk in the ‘2015 piss off to Manchester You Smelly Bastards Act’

“God bless Lord Morton”

“Yes dear, God Bless him indeed. Now enjoy your time on the island, you annoying little bugger”

Well that’s kind of how I see it happening anyway. Not entirely sure how we got to that point. I was going to write about Canada Day.

A few weeks ago, facebook informed me that somebody had read a blog which I had written whilst in Australia. I had a quick read through it and remembered how fiercely patriotic the Ausies got and how it upset me that England wasn't the same as this.

Well Canada Day reignited this sorrow and left me in awe of how a nation should rally its people and treat them to a day of festivities, music and naturally gallons of alcohol leading to bad decisions, bad heads and great times.

Thousands of people flock to Ottawa on the 1^st July every year. The reason is Canada Day. There are stages here, there and everywhere. Street performers ask for a contribution in exchanged for exhibiting their circus skills and people everywhere are clad in red and white with maple leafs painted on their cheeks, foreheads, arms, legs, boobs… you get the idea. The day and night conclude with a fantastic firework display which produces oohhs and ahhhs from across the capital.

Whilst I was walking around, taking all that surrounded me in, I once more wished that London, Birmingham, Manchester or Liverpool would put on a show like this. Don’t worry, I am not going to descend into another patriotic rant. However, what did make me think, was the amount of people from Africa, India, China and any other countries across the word that were celebrating Canada Day. In some cases they had moved to Canada generations ago, for some they had been here only a short time. Yet there they were, dressed in red and white the maple leafs painted onto their many different shades of skin.        

These people were not trying to bring their ways of life to Canada, they were assimilating to Canadian society. I cannot blame them. It’s a fantastic way of life. Recession seems to have barely touched them. Whilst their American neighbours still struggle Canada is fast becoming one of the most popular countries to move to and wonderful, new way of life.

I wondered though. If we were to have a day like Canada Day in England, nay Britain, would people celebrate so enthusiastically? I seem to read a lot about immigrates trying to bring in their own laws and ways of life into Britain and attempting to discard our ways of life that have been forged over hundreds of years.

I am not the man to come to any conclusions here and I don’t wish to start a debate. But I feel that there would be a large number of people both from our shores and away from them that would not entertain the idea of such a festive day. Nor can I see the government, be they Blue, Red, Yellow or any other colour, giving the nation the day off. Why should we celebrate when we could be lining the pockets of the already monstrously well off?

It is such a shame, as I believe we should be able to celebrate such days. I have now witnessed it in Australia and Canada, whilst just over the border in America on July 4^th the nation celebrated in much the same way. Come on Britain, the colonies are all celebrating getting away from us. Surly we should try and show that we know how to have a good time! The feeling in the nation whilst the Olympics were on was fantastic, yet as I predicted, it is too soon forgotten and we slip into a world where we are pissed off 90% of the time. 

One has only to look at facebook and see everybody moaning about everything. Moaning that it’s too hot, not hot enough, always grey! Moaning that the bus is late, that their partner is pissing them off.

Anyway, I am ranting away like a bitter, twisted old man.

In conclusion, cheer up, come to Canada and get drunk with me!

As it has been so long I have lots to write about, yet I will save it for another time as I’m sure you have plenty of things to be getting on with.

As ever tell a friend about my blog, please ‘Share’ and retweet and all that sort of stuff and feel free to give me a follow on twitter @morton1983

Thank you for reading

Mort J